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I rarely, if ever reveal anything about my personal life. But I have been advised by godly counsel to do just that, so it is time. There is freedom in truth. And the truth is that I’ve been in a “relationship” (originally created by God) with one of these for 27 years (I’ve been, but this person never has been in more ways than I care to innumerate, and not according to scripture). Now I say this, fully cognizant of the fact that people like this hate being exposed. I am sure this person is no exception based upon past experience. While they stonewall me they turn around and triangulate, using whoever is foolish enough to try to help them, by “talking” with them instead. But that talk is for a purpose. Theirs. In order to throw the one who knows what they are into some sort of made up manipulated bad light, while looking “good” to the person they are talking to. So they do this, passively and manipulatively, of course…keeping the dirt off their own hands. It is a wonder to watch them do it, they are so incredibly practiced and slick at it. If only they had it in them to put that much thought and effort into living a godly life…but I digress… That said, I shall not be trapped in this person’s abusiveness any longer, nor will I condone or enable their sinfulness with my silence. No Christian should ever sit quietly and enable sin. Ever. These people hate truth, especially when it exposes them. Ever notice that so many of them claim Christ who IS truth to hide behind? Yeah…another incongruity in the reality that is them. No one can hate truth, promote lies, and love Christ. Ain’t possible Cisco. I have been through years this person manipulating people’s opinions of himself and trying to subtly steer them into thinking they are some kind of misunderstood victim when this person is, in fact, a perpetrator. Making things up and misquoting me to accomplish and protect that. Sociopaths excel at that ‘art’, and this person excels at sociopathy. They did that with me about their  “ex’s” as well (who they abused with lies, sin and unfaithfulness and perversion), and I suppose that is how this person has managed their entire life. How pitiable). And I long have realized that I am content in the fact that my Lord knows me, ALL of me, and I don’t keep myself hidden from Him or anyone else. And I have long realized that I honestly don’t care a whit about people’s opinions of me, especially when commandeered by this person, lol. A totally freeing moment of clear insight that has lasted. Blessedly wonderful! And to this person I am referring to….You know, God also knows you (even if no one else in the whole world sees the real you and believes your false presentation of a “nice guy”, although your victims HAVE seen the real you)…That is called truth…..So Herman, this one’s for you.

 “What is the one thing a sociopath does not want other people to know? The truth. More specifically, sociopaths do not want the truth about them to be known as they are insecure, malicious, and devious people. Beyond being embarrassed by the truth of their behaviors and thoughts, they have a deathly fear of being exposed and rejected. That’s in large part because they use lies, manipulations, and distortions to control other people and get what they want. If others were to know about their true nature, they…would lose the support networks of malicious minions they control and incite to abuse other people. Therefore sociopaths have a strong motivation to attack, discredit, harass, and ruin anybody who presents arguments and facts that might tend to raise questions and doubts about their behaviors and their false statements.”

We are not ignorant of the devil’s schemes. And it is truth that sets us free. And everyone trapped in this type of “devil’s fun house” needs to speak the truth, regardless of how much the “sociopath” may hate it and seek to retaliate. Which I’m sure mine will lay in wait to do. However, I have Christ and He is stronger than all forms of evil any day. So I rest on Him. Blessedly and securely. That said…

Back to stonewallers…..Trust me when I tell you that people who stonewall have NO genuine “want” to work anything out or to resolve a thing. What they want is for things to continue as they are, as they feel they can control you through this ridiculous tactic and maintain the status-quo that suits them (and they do until you have finally had enough). In other words…they don’t give a true rip about anyone but themselves and they want to keep it that way, so they can continue living as children and not really have to have a real relationship, indulging their many sins and not having to answer for their choices, actions, behavior. It seems that they love the “facade” of relationship more than wanting a REAL relationship (you know, where two adults talk together to come up with a solution to a problem that is healthy and works for both parties?), and they certainly do not want to have to actually put any work into building and maintaining a real relationship. They are too dead inside and lazy for that. Nor do they really care about any person other than themselves, regardless of what they say. Stonewalling is an ungodly and demonic practice that proves that beyond a shadow of a doubt. But more than even that…in reality they are pernicious vipers who care only that they can do as they please while ensuring you have no say. A bit like psychotic 2 year olds. Well, we do have a say. We can say this is unacceptable, we can speak the truth, and then we can let them sit in their own bilious depravity. Face it, the worst company they can ever have is themselves. Let them have them. Pray God breaks them and grants them genuine repentance and leave them to Him to deal with. He will. He has promised to. We can walk forward in Him, leaving them in their own soul rot and bad company. While I do not promote divorce, the fact is, these people were never married to you to begin with. So in essence this type of behavior choice from them is both an act of never being married to you as well as an act of “divorcing” you from their lives. You only served a purpose to them, like every person in their lives. They are predators who use people like they are “tools” or objects, and as such, they have no problem leaving their new toy on the shelf after they have gained what they want from you. Once their toy expects anything genuine or real from them…on that shelf you go! Bad toy!  Someone as wonderful as them should never have to actually LIVE like an honest adult, biblically and objectively love their spouse, friend, whoever…they have absolutely no concept of “real” (although many, as in my case, profess to be saved). When real is rightfully expected…Bam! To the “cornfield” for you! (Twilight Zone…look it up…it’s a really good picture of these juvenile little tyrants) Remember this truth…he who stonewalls does not love the one he is doing it to. It is an act of hatred, just as lying is.

But remember, if you are twice born there IS Someone who does love you…and you are not a tool to God if you are in Christ. If you are His, you are His Bride, His sister, His friend, and He never stonewalls. He seeks you out and loves your time together just as He loves you. Christ sought a relationship with you, and by the cross we see that there is no limit to what love will do for the object of that One’s love. God’s word is Him speaking to you, sharing WHO He is with you so you can know Him. Christ is the model for all husbands and He never pushes you away by any means. He never shuts you out. By Him we know what love truly is. He sought to communicate with us, we know this because He has given us His word. And He also has His vengeance on those who hurt His own. We know that, according to His word, we know evil when we see it as well. And stonewalling? That’s the devils forte’. Those who make a practice of stonewalling are nothing less than the devil’s children. All stonewalling seeks to accomplish is destruction of intimacy and self gratification, not having to share oneself with anyone BUT who one can use, and even then they are not “real” in their “sharing”. Stonewalling seeks to make the one stonewalled “disappear”….it is an utterly satanic form of heart murdering. It tells the person they mean less than zero to the stonewaller, and that any normal relationship is not worth the sociopath’s time or energy, but of course they want to keep you around for their own payoff of cowardly power. And usually, it is perpetrated against one who has put up with and suffered through YEARS of the sociopath’s complete abuse of truth and ever changing reality and emotional abuse. And the stonewaller wants to be able to continue. They want to remain in their sins, not having to answer to you or truly anyone else (how’s that “God” thing gonna work, eh?), and maintain their emotional Nazi domain.

That is utterly destructive. Guess what? Destroyers are like that. They are children of THE Destroyer. In God’s eyes they are an abomination. And if they never truly genuinely repent, their eternity will be worse than their own company, that being a Hell that will never end. Stuck with themselves in the Lake of Fire forever. May God do whatever it takes to break them to bits and grant them deep and genuine repentance and a true rebirth through the biblical Jesus Christ. And may He keep us all still joyfully walking His narrow road to eternity with Him. Knowing that He will never allow these people into His presence other than to judge them guilty and sentence them to everlasting Hell, and that HE never “stonewalls”, HE is truth and light and holiness. And while He is wrathful against people who sin  and never repent, to His won He is love that never leaves. And you know what? When we get there, all of this will be worth it. We will have HIM forever. And that little piece of Satan we have had beating the life out of us…no where to be found. One of the other joys of eternity with our dear Lord Jesus.:-)

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stonewalling

by Steve Becker, LCSW •

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Stonewalling is when someone shuts you down from communicating. He just “bails” on your efforts at communication, refuses to take you seriously; refuses to engage a discussion of your concerns. He may ignore or dismiss you, express fatigue with you (and your concerns); he may listen without offering a thoughtful, respectful response, and then credit himself for having listened.

In any case, his unthoughtful, lazy, dismissive, or flat-out non-response to your feelings and concerns captures the essence of stonewalling and will reflect his pure contempt for which he’ll take no responsibility.

Rather, he may depict you as a boring windbag who doesn’t know when to “stop talking,” or who’s always making or looking for “trouble,” without recognizing or owning how his insistent refusal to listen, his determination NOT to listen, actually provokes, passive-aggressively, your very instinct to “talk” and “pursue him” until he gives a meaningful response. If you do persist, he may complain to others that he is being “harassed” for no reason, pointing out that he is doing “nothing” to you.

He may flat-out tell you he’s bored by, and uninterested in the concerns you raise, regardless of how strongly you feel about them, and regardless of how strong your need to discuss them is. It may be that the more urgency you feel to broach your concerns, the more he’ll contemptuously stonewall you.

His rebuff will feel cruel and leave you feeling especially helpless. It will also very likely be dripping with some form of passive-aggressive, if not aggressive, contempt.

Now this is stonewalling, and stonewalling is a nasty, hurtful thing to do to someone; it leaves the stonewalled party feeling as negated as a person can feel.


You don’t have to be a sociopath to stonewall. Plenty of non-sociopaths stonewall. But many sociopaths are stonewallers, and
the act of stonewalling itself contains the cold, callous attitude of the sociopath.

The stonewaller’s absence of empathy for the stonewalled party, perhaps even the relish the stonewaller takes in messing with the stonewalled party’s head, in watching her twist and squirm and perhaps make humiliating efforts and bids to be heard—there can be something actually sadistic about this.

Stonewalling will tend to elicit some common feelings in the stonewalled party—among them shame, anger, rage, infuriation, humiliation, desperation (to be heard), helplessness, and a sense of being driven crazy.

Stonewalling, then, is a form of “gaslighting” insofar as it can leave the stonewalled party feeling as if she’s speaking a foreign language inaccessible to the stonewaller even though she knows perfectly well the stonewaller speaks the language, literally, but either refuses to speak it or “acts” like he doesn’t.

This can have a “crazy-making” effect, as if he’s accusing her (as he may very well do) of speaking incomprehensibly.

Stonewallers, whether sociopaths or not, are seriously disturbed communicators. Their indifference to the stonewalled party’s experience, as noted, can be chilling. Their stonewalling often reflects character pathology, in which case they won’t change—they will always be stonewallers.

Stonewallers are destructive people and it’s best to avoid them for your sanity’s and dignity’s sake. I make this strong suggestion where the stonewaller refuses to assume total and genuine responsibility for his stonewalling, which is too often the case.

You need to stop banging your head against the “wall” (the pun is apt) trying to reach the stonewaller, because he is not reachable. Futility is what you are left feeling again and again, until you feel depressed and hopeless. The futility is not in your head. It is real, and will always be the experience with the stonewaller, whodisowns responsibility for the suffering his stonewalling causes you.

Identify the stonewalling people in your life; if they can’t, or won’t, take charge of their stonewalling, get them out of your life as best and fast as you can. Even if that way is in completely disengaging from their wickedness. In doing that you can still show biblical respect (you are respecting their wishes for not having to have a relationship) and honor God by blessing instead of cursing. Do not enable their wickedness by continuing to attempt a genuine relationship with those who are either incapable or unwilling. Do not return evil for evil…just emotionally remove yourself from their depravity and continue walking with Christ. And leave it all in God’s hands. He will repay both evil and righteousness.

By Steve Becker, LCSW. 

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If you are dealing with this type or any type of evil in your relationships, I highly recommend “How to Overcome Evil” by Jay E Adams.

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10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.…Ephesians 6:10-12

 Remember brethren….