There has been quite a glut of sisters who are suffering at the hands of their abusive spouses lately, as well as those trying to deal with men who do not really want to be honestly dealt with. I think it is about time to address this abominable issue and to see some truth as to what these men are really all about. So first…let’s talk about abuse and the abuser. This will be in reference to abusers who claim Christ and yet who really only use Him as one more manipulation and form of “looking good” to hide behind, even to themselves as they are deluded. There are many who have infiltrated the Body. God calls them wolves (and they are. Ravenous). Here we will refer to them as what they are to those in their lives and all who they touch….abusers. Here is a sound snapshot:
“Very few people know what abuse really is, though everyone seems quite ready to give advice to its victims. If you believe that abuse is physical battering, you have some learning to do.
Abuse is fundamentally a mentality. It is a mindset of entitlement. The abuser sees himself* as entitled. He is the center of the world, and he demands that his victim make him the center of her world. His goal is power and control over others. For him, power and control are his natural right, and he feels quite justified in using whatever means are necessary to obtain that power and control. The abuser is not hampered in these efforts by the pangs of a healthy conscience and indeed often lacks a conscience.
While this mentality of power and control often expresses itself in various forms of physical abuse, it just as frequently employs tactics of verbal, emotional, financial, social, sexual and spiritual abuse. Thus, an abuser may never actually lay a hand on his wife and yet be very actively terrorizing her in incredibly damaging ways.
Abuse in any of its forms destroys the victim’s person. Abuse, in the end, is murder.
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change (only through genuine salvation through the biblical Jesus Christ and genuine repentance defined by God’s word, which will be borne out by objective scriptural fruit as defined by God, not defined by the deceived abuser), but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable…
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, [the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change.] The abuser’s recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife’s.”~Source link below.
There is much to say on the subject of abusive spouses. Much. Anyone who has or is living with one, or who has been attempting to hold an abuser accountable as to the faith they profess to have and yet do not really want to have to walk and live in knows just how much, and they also know just how much most people do not realize about how they operate. The abuser knows this as well, and banks on it as he presents himself to the public, church, everyone he encounters, as the nicest guy on the planet. For those who live or have lived in this, a little encouragement. People may not “get it”, but GOD does. He sees, He knows, and He shall not let the wicked go unpunished. So…take heart. The abuser will never get away with anything. He may think he is (and he will use people’s good intentions, especially within the Church, for his own gain and control while continuing in his wickedness, so don’t be surprised by how adept he is at that and how gullible people are….he counts on their naivete’. Goes with the territory), but even in your knowing what he is, he is not getting by with a thing. Listen, if you know it, do you think God doesn’t? And unless he repents….genuinely, and not as a manipulative tactic, he shall indeed spend eternity in even more hell than he has created for you and subjected you to while he smiles and pretends he would never do that. Should we pray for these people? Yes. Should we ever believe them unless they objectively demonstrate biblical fruit of regeneration, repentance, a whole new way of living? Never. Should we give them the “God loves you and can make you clean as snow, see how much He cares?” routine? Never. Why? Because God sees. And God will repay. And God is angry with them every minute of every day. They are still under Law, unregenerate and condemned. Many of them claim to be Christians, but they are not. They know the word, they know what God says to people like them, but they find some false exemption for themselves, many times while they point the finger at other people (“Don’t look too closely at me…look at how messed up ‘they’ are! Look at me knowing that, see how Christian I must be?”). Make no mistake, they are not exempt. And if they continue, Hell is their eternal destination. In the meantime, pray He will grant them repentance leading to salvation, and you….you only be controlled by God. If you are twice born, your Father is who you listen to, according to His word, and not the misuse of His word by the abuser. He is our Kinsman Redeemer, our Husband, and His power and care knows no limits. Keep your eyes on Him alone.~AGM†
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” (Matthew 25:31-46)
I have studied the Bible’s teaching lately regarding this doctrine:
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. (2 Corinthians 5:10)
All of us, Paul says, have been issued a divine summons to appear in Christ’s courtroom on that Day when He comes to judge the living and the dead. This doctrine confused me for a long time because the Bible presents it as something that the Christian should eagerly look forward to. But I didn’t. Why? Because, well, how can I be excited about a Day when I have to stand before Christ and the whole universe and have not just my good works thrown up on the screen, but my sins as well? Oh yeah, I can hardly wait! Even a Christian, and perhaps especially a Christian, is quite aware of how often we sin and how many times I have broken God’s Law. I have repented. I have asked Christ’s forgiveness. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins….” right? But then there is that Day coming in that Courtroom. Well, I now look forward to that Day. Why? Because I have come to understand that when the Bible speaks of the Day of judgment, the judgment seat of Christ before which all will stand, it is speaking to mankind universally. To all human beings in all places and all times. Here is the fact. Every human being is going to give account. Every careless word. Every deed. But for the Christian, justified and cleansed by the blood of Christ, here is how that Day is going to go down:
And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Matthew 25:33-36
This is why we can look forward to Christ’s return and pray with gusto – “Come quickly, Lord Jesus!” It is why we are motivated to live now in a manner pleasing to Christ. I do not see any place for the notion so many of us have been taught that this Day will involve every sin of the Christian being put up on a celestial power point presentation making the believer the subject of a kind of “The most shocking sins” program for all to watch.
Now, think this through carefully. If an abuser can be an abuser, if he can be a person with a profound sense of entitlement (me, myself, I, center of the universe) to possess power and control over others, and who possesses a sense of conscienceless justification in using whatever tactics are necessary to possess that control and enforce it, AND be a real Christian who has been born again, forgiven, justified in Christ, indwelt by the Spirit of God (yet somehow sanctification just never took off in him, hmmm??), then your abuser, every “christian” abuser who has so wickedly oppressed all of you, IS GOING TO SKATE ON THAT DAY. Because remember, “there is therefore now no condemnation for them that are in Christ Jesus.” “Therefore, having been justified by faith we have peace with God.” Right? Am I right? Yes, because God’s Word is right. The wicked WILL skate on that Day IF a person can be wicked, their very nature defined by evil, habitually walk in sin without anything but the typical fake “repentance,” AND be a Christian.
No. It isn’t going to happen. The wicked will not escape the justice of Christ on that Day. Their teeth will be smashed. Their houses will be a desolation. They will hear the Judge send them away into outer darkness where there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. No man can mock God. No one can claim the name of Jesus Christ and yet habitually and without repentance walk in sin.
Here is proof. Read and be encouraged. Justice, perfect justice is coming. And not a word of condemnation for those who truly are in Christ Jesus! Come Lord Jesus! Come and make it all right!
Romans 8:5-9 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.
Romans 8:12-13 So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.
Galatians 5:16-24 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
1 John 2:3-11 And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked. Beloved, I am writing you no new commandment, but an old commandment that you had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word that you have heard. At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.
1 Thessalonians 4:9 Now concerning brotherly love you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another,
1 John 4:19-21 We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Matthew 7:17-21 So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits. “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.
For a sound and accurate delineation of repentance for any abuser, what it will and will not be like, because they are so adept at manipulating people into believing their words when we should be watching their actions….
Many other very good articles can be found here, although I do not personally recommend nor guarantee each one. And for the abuser who is reading this…your power has been removed through the truth, just as surely as Christ is King and God’s word is true. Those who you use your marriage for your own idolatry of power know very well that those who live with you and are who the twice born of Christ, who have God’s Holy Spirit, know what truth is and that you do not have it in you. That you do not fool them must be galling for you. How do you handle that? Usually, blame the victim and cast passive dispersions upon them whenever possible so as to get out from the glare of truth.
Truth. God’s word. It doesn’t change in it’s application to you. You are judged according to it and in how you continue to live (like a child of the devil, according to God), you stand condemned to Hell still. You really have no power, except in your own mind which is deceived and utterly depraved. Who has power? Who is sovereign? Who sees every thought you have and every action you do? The One who counts and who will never abide sin, yes even yours, though you rename and rewrite it for yourself, or perhaps you cannot even tell what sin is anymore you have so deadened what was left of your conscience, He will not abide your pernicious sin forever. So who really has all the power and is sovereign?
Only God is sovereign. And you…well…you’ve already lost, and payday is coming. May God grant you devastating repentance and true salvation in His Son, the biblical Christ, who’s grace you make a mockery of.
And for the Christian (truly twice born) wives of abusers, keep your eyes on Jesus, obey Him in ALL things regardless of what your husband does or does not do (and if he is physically abusing you, use the resources God has set in place for you, while still obeying the word. If your husband has to suffer the consequences of his sin, so be it. Better he does now and perhaps be broken by it than later and burn in Hell.
If he is a passive abuser [i.e. narcissistic coward and emotional bully] never think he has gotten away with anything. He has not. Not one thing). However, we are still called to God’s commands for wives, regardless of what anyone else does….including husbands….let God grow you into the image of His Son through the circumstances He has allowed or brought into your life for just that purpose. It is for our good…He is good. So keep your focus on your own walk with the Lord, and leave your husband to God to deal with. As you love Christ by obeying Him….He will never leave you nor forsake you. You are safe with God your Father. And He gives wives specific instructions as how to live with unsaved husbands. Matthew 18 comes in handy when possible, although many abusers render this an impossibility as applied according to the word of God. This is where faith comes in. You and God. Where possible, forget the abuser and their wallowing in sin. (Yes, you can impose godly boundaries according to the word of God as you live with them. We are commanded to confront situations. In some situations, to be separated with restoration the goal may be called for. Sadly, most men who are at this stage are incapable of any godly restoration, so you may have to remain separated, but that only after MUCH prayer and godly advice from those who actually KNOW what these men are like…they are out there…trust me on that. However, this should be a final resort if at all, but it may be called for in certain situations, turning him over to Satan that perhaps he may be saved as Paul advises). However, focus on you and God and your own growth in righteousness. The abusers destruction is ever upon him. Don’t partake in any of it.
And never fear! They surely have their reward now, and God will never let them go eternally unpunished. Never. We know that. Whether they believe that truth or not. God is God and He does what He says He will do, always. Cling to our Father. He will set all things right in His perfect timing. And He knows everything. That man is not making Him smile by any means. His anger burns.<3